How to talk to your partner about your fantasies

It's easy to go years without telling a partner what you think about. Usually the fear is about the reaction: shock, disgust, hurt, or being seen differently. Some women also worry about seeming "too much". The good news is that most of what makes these conversations go badly is avoidable.

A sexual fantasy is a scenario you imagine that arouses or excites you. It might be something you'd love to try, something you'd only ever want to imagine, or something in between. Sharing one is a way of letting someone know you better; it isn't a request, a confession or a plan.

Separate sharing from asking

Say clearly that you're sharing, not asking, because that one sentence lowers the stakes for both of you. Some version of: "I'm telling you this because I'd like you to know me, not because I'm asking to do it."

Fantasies cover a huge range, from a new place or position to being watched, someone else joining in, power play, or a scenario you'd never want in real life. Saying one out loud is not a proposal. When your partner knows they aren't being asked to agree to anything, they can listen with curiosity rather than defending themselves.

When is the right moment?

The right moment is private, unhurried and outside the bedroom: a walk, a long drive, a quiet evening at home. Avoid:

• the middle of sex, when it can feel like pressure
• straight after an argument
• when either of you has been drinking heavily
• text, where tone gets lost and a screenshot lasts forever

A light lead-in helps: "Can I tell you something a bit embarrassing?" gives your partner a moment to get ready.

Start small and go at their pace

Begin with something mild, or ask about their fantasies first, and let their response set the speed. If it goes well, you can share more another time. You don't have to put everything on the table in one evening.

An example of how it might sound, to put into your own words: "I've had this thought for a while and I feel a bit shy saying it. Sometimes I imagine us being with someone else, just once, with you right there. I'm not asking to do it. I just didn't want it to be something I keep from you. What do you think when you hear that?"

Then listen. Ask what they felt when they heard it. Don't rush to explain it away.

Questions that help the conversation along

• "What is it about that idea that appeals to you?"
• "Is this something you'd want to try, or something you like thinking about?"
• "Is there a part of it you'd want, and a part you wouldn't?"
• "How did it feel to tell me?"

The answers are often more revealing than the fantasy itself. Wanting to be watched might really be about wanting to feel desired; a power-play fantasy might be about switching off from responsibility for an hour.

Try a yes / no / maybe list

A yes / no / maybe list is a simple exercise where each of you privately sorts ideas into three columns, then you compare. It's useful when talking face to face feels too exposed. Each of you writes down, separately:

• Yes: things you'd like to try or do more of
• No: things you definitely don't want
• Maybe: things you're curious about, under certain conditions or one day

Then compare only the overlaps first: the things you both said yes or maybe to. It takes the sting out of disagreement, because a "no" on one side is simply not discussed unless the other person wants to ask about it.

An example of how a few lines might look:

If you're the one hearing a fantasy

Your job is to listen first and react later. Thank them for trusting you, ask a question before you give an opinion, and remember they've just done something brave. You don't have to say yes, or even decide how you feel, on the spot.

An example response, in your own words: "Thank you for telling me. I need a bit of time with that, but I'm glad you didn't keep it to yourself. Can we come back to it at the weekend?"

If your partner isn't keen

Thank them for being honest, and let it rest. A no to a fantasy isn't a rejection of you. Don't reopen it the next day, and don't keep hinting. If it matters a lot to you, you can say that, and agree to talk again in a few weeks.

Watch for the opposite problem too. If your partner agrees quickly but seems uneasy, slow down. A yes given to please someone isn't a real yes.

If you both want to explore

If you both genuinely want to act on something, agree the details first and keep it between consenting adults. Some fantasies stay as talk, and that's often the most exciting version. Others you might act out together as role play.

Before you try anything new:

1. Agree what's in and what's out, in plain words, while you're both sober.
2. Choose a safe word, a word that means "stop now, no questions", and an easier signal if speaking is awkward.
3. Start with a small version of the idea, not the whole thing.
4. Talk afterwards, the next day as well as that night: what you liked, what you didn't, what you'd change.

Some fantasies, such as involving other people, mean changing the shape of your relationship. If you're there, read how to start the conversation about opening your relationship and ethical non-monogamy explained before anything else, and think about sexual health with more than one partner.

When to get outside help

A therapist can help if a fantasy is causing distress, if talking about it keeps ending in rows, or if desire has become a sore subject between you. A psychosexual therapist specialises in sex and relationships. In the UK, the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists has a find-a-therapist search, and Relate offers relationship counselling. In Ireland, the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy lists accredited therapists by location and concern.

Keeping it private

Fantasies are intimate information, so talk in person rather than by message. If you do share images, remember that anything sent can be kept. Our privacy checklist for women covers the practical side, and jealousy in open relationships is worth reading if a shared fantasy stirs up feelings neither of you expected.