Ethical non-monogamy explained

"Ethical non-monogamy" (often shortened to ENM) is an umbrella term, not a single arrangement. Some people prefer "consensual non-monogamy" (CNM) because "ethical" can sound as if it's passing judgement. Both mean the same thing: relationships where more than two people are involved, sexually or romantically, and everyone knows.

What makes it ethical?

Non-monogamy is ethical when everyone involved knows about it, has agreed freely, and is told the truth. Those three things separate it from an affair:

• Knowledge. Your partner knows the arrangement exists. Depending on what you've agreed, they may not know every detail, but they know.
• Agreement. Everyone has said yes freely, without pressure, threats or "agree or I'll leave". A reluctant yes given to keep the peace isn't consent; it's a problem stored for later.
• Honesty with the people you meet. Someone you date is entitled to know you have a partner and roughly what the arrangement is, so they can make their own choice.

Ethical doesn't mean painless. People still get jealous, hurt and confused. What it means is that those feelings are talked about rather than hidden.

How is it different from an affair?

The difference is consent: in ethical non-monogamy your partner knows and has agreed; in an affair they don't. Everything else follows from that.

Olivia Raven doesn't judge people in either situation, but our relationship guides are written for arrangements where everyone knows.

The main forms

There's no official list, and couples blend these freely. These are the arrangements you'll see described most often.

Open relationship

An open relationship is one where a couple stays each other's main partner and agrees that one or both can have sex, or date, outside it. The focus is usually physical or casual rather than falling in love with someone else.

Swinging

Swinging means partners have sex with other people together, or at the same event, often with other couples. The emphasis is on shared experiences rather than separate dating. It's sometimes called "the lifestyle".

Polyamory

Polyamory means being open to more than one loving relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge. Some polyamorous people have a main partner and others; some don't rank their relationships at all.

Monogamish

"Monogamish" describes a mostly monogamous couple who allow occasional exceptions, such as a kiss on a night out, a one-off together, or an agreed exception while one of you travels.

Don't ask, don't tell

Here both partners agree that outside encounters are allowed but not discussed. It can work for some couples, but it often leaves one person filling the silence with worst-case imaginings. If you choose it, agree what still has to be shared, such as safer-sex practices and anything that affects your health.

One-sided arrangements

Sometimes only one partner wants to see other people, and the other genuinely doesn't, for example because of low desire, disability, distance or simple preference. These can be fair if both have agreed, and both keep checking that they still do.

The vocabulary

You'll come across these words in conversations, books and profiles:

Questions to ask yourselves before you choose

The label matters less than the answers to a few practical questions. Work through them separately first, then compare:

1. Is this about sex, about emotional connection, or both?
2. Do we want to do this together, separately, or a mix?
3. How much do we each want to know, and when?
4. What's off-limits, such as friends, colleagues, ex-partners or our home?
5. How will we handle safer sex and testing? (See sexual health with more than one partner.)
6. How much time can each of us give to other people without the relationship suffering?
7. What will we do if one of us wants to pause or stop?

The guide to starting the conversation turns these into a step-by-step approach, including what to do if your partner says no. If you haven't yet raised the subject at all, talking to your partner about fantasies is a gentler first step.

Who it tends to suit, and who it doesn't

Non-monogamy tends to work best for couples who already talk well and trust each other; it rarely fixes a relationship that is struggling.

It's more likely to suit you if you can talk about awkward feelings without it becoming a row, you both want it rather than one of you agreeing to keep the other, and you have the time and energy for more than one connection.

Be cautious if you're hoping it will save the relationship, one of you is saying yes out of fear of losing the other, there's a recent betrayal that hasn't healed, or either of you is going through a crisis that needs your full attention.

Where it tends to go wrong

The common pitfalls are predictable, which means you can plan for them: one partner agreeing under pressure, rules so tight that someone breaks them, agreements that are never reviewed, new relationship energy crowding out the existing relationship, and jealousy treated as a character flaw instead of information. The guide to jealousy in open relationships is a good place to start on that.

If things aren't working, you can change the arrangement or close the relationship again. That's a choice, not a failure.

Where to get support

A counsellor who works with non-monogamous clients can help you talk it through without either of you being treated as the problem. Ask any counsellor directly whether they have experience with open relationships before you book.

• In Ireland, the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a find-a-therapist directory searchable by issue and location.
• In the UK, Relate is a charity offering couples counselling and sex therapy, and the Pink Therapy directory lists therapists who work with gender, sex and relationship diversity.
• For sexual health, the HSE offers free home STI tests to people aged 17 and over living in the Republic, and the NHS lists free sexual health services across England.

Where Olivia Raven fits

Olivia Raven is a discreet dating site written for women first and for people exploring open relationships. Members describe themselves however they like, and that text isn't checked, so someone who calls themselves "ethically non-monogamous" may or may not have a partner who knows. Ask directly and early.

If you're the one with a partner, say so in your profile. As an example, a line like "I'm in a long-term relationship; my partner knows I'm here and we've agreed what's OK" tells people what they need without giving away who you are. Profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network, so read the privacy checklist for women before you set one up.