Want to open your relationship? How to start the conversation

Opening a relationship starts with one conversation, and how that conversation goes shapes everything after it. This guide is for the person who wants to raise it. If your partner has raised it with you, most of it still applies, read from the other side of the table.

Two terms first. An open relationship is one where both partners agree that either of them can have sexual or romantic connections with other people. It's one form of consensual non-monogamy, an umbrella term for any arrangement where everyone involved knows and agrees. Our guide to ethical non-monogamy explains the other forms.

Before you say anything, get clear on what you want

You need to know what you're asking for before you ask, because "I want to open our relationship" can mean a dozen different things and your partner will fill the gaps with whatever they fear most. Try to answer these for yourself, ideally in writing:

• What am I actually wanting? Sex with someone new, emotional closeness with someone else, a fantasy you'd like to explore together, or simply the freedom to flirt. These lead to very different arrangements.
• Why now? Something has shifted: a crush, a dry spell, a birthday, a friend's experience, years of quietly wondering. Be honest about it, because your partner will ask.
• What am I not wanting? Many people discover that what they don't want, such as leaving, comparing, or hiding anything, is the most reassuring thing they can say.
• What frightens me about this? You probably have fears too: that they'll say no and things will be awkward, that they'll say yes and enjoy it more than you, that it will change how they see you. Naming your own fears first makes it easier for them to name theirs.

Also be honest with yourself about one thing. If the relationship is already in serious trouble, opening it rarely fixes that, and it can speed up the end. If you're hoping it will mend something, say that out loud, perhaps to a counsellor before your partner.

Who this tends to suit, and who it doesn't

None of these decides it for you, but they're worth talking about honestly.

How do I bring it up? Picking the moment and the first sentence

Choose a calm, private moment with no clock running, and say it plainly. Not just before work, not after a few drinks, not in bed, not mid-row, and not in a restaurant.

Open with the relationship, not the request. You're telling someone you love about something you've been thinking about, and you want them to hear it from you. Hints and hypotheticals ("What would you think if someone…") tend to feel like a test.

An example opening, to adapt into your own words: "There's something I've been thinking about for a while, and I'd rather talk to you about it than keep it to myself. I've been wondering whether we could open our relationship in some way. I'm not unhappy with you and I'm not going anywhere. I don't need an answer today. I'd just like us to be able to talk about it."

Then stop and listen. Your partner's first reaction is a first reaction. Shock, laughter, curiosity, hurt and "I've thought about that too" are all common. Don't argue with it, and don't fill the silence by over-explaining or making promises you haven't thought through.

If they say no, or not yet

A no is an answer, and it has to be safe for them to give it; if it isn't, it was never a real question. Thank them for hearing you out. You can ask whether it's a no to the whole idea or to something specific, such as sex with strangers or anything involving people you both know, but ask once, gently, and don't negotiate on the spot.

"Not yet" is common and often sincere. Agree when you'll come back to it, such as in a few weeks, and leave it alone until then. Some couples read about non-monogamy separately and talk afterwards, or start with something smaller and shared, like talking about fantasies with no plan to act on them.

If the answer stays no, you have a real decision to make about what you need, and that is worth working through with a counsellor rather than alone. What you shouldn't do is go ahead anyway. That isn't an open relationship; it's an affair, with all the risks that carries.

Boundaries you can both actually keep

Agree the shape of the arrangement before anyone sets up a profile, and write it down. Two kinds of agreement get confused:

• Rules try to control what the other person does: "You can't see anyone more than twice."
• Boundaries describe what you will and won't do, or what you need: "I want to know before you meet someone, not after."

Many couples find boundaries easier to keep, because each person is responsible for their own side. Whatever you call them, cover the things that cause the most trouble when left vague:

Then add one agreement that matters more than the rest: either of you can pause at any time, for any reason, without having to justify it. A pause isn't a punishment. It's the safety catch that lets both of you say yes in the first place.

Write it all down. Not as a contract, but so that in three weeks' time you're both remembering the same conversation. Before either of you joins a dating site, read the privacy checklist for women together. Profiles on Olivia Raven are shared with partner sites in the same network, so choose photos and details accordingly; how Olivia Raven works explains what's free and what's paid.

When jealousy shows up

Jealousy will probably appear for one or both of you, and it doesn't mean you've failed. It's usually a signal about something underneath: fear of being replaced, feeling left out, insecurity about your body, or simply not knowing what's happening.

When it arrives, name it early and specifically: "I felt jealous on Thursday when you were texting at dinner," not "I can't do this." Ask what would help, and offer what you can. Often it's something small: a text when they get home, a protected night, more reassurance, or less detail. Agree that the person feeling jealous isn't the problem to be fixed, and the person going on a date isn't the villain. Our guide to jealousy in open relationships goes deeper.

The one-month check-in

Put a date in both diaries for around a month after you start, and keep it even if everything feels fine. Use a calm moment, not the morning after a date. Go through:

1. What has been good, for each of you, that you didn't expect?
2. What has been harder than you expected?
3. Which boundaries worked? Which were broken, bent or no longer fit?
4. How are you two, separately from anyone else? Are you still getting enough time and attention?
5. Do you want to carry on, change something, slow down or pause?

Change the agreement if it needs changing, write the new version down, and set the next check-in. Many couples move to a regular rhythm after that, monthly or every couple of months.

Signs it isn't working, and what then

Some warning signs are worth taking seriously:

• One of you keeps breaking agreements, or "forgets" to mention things.
• One person is having a great time while the other is quietly miserable, and it isn't changing.
• You're arguing more about the arrangement than enjoying anything about it.
• Someone is using it to leave without saying so.
• Your time together has shrunk to logistics.

If you see these, press pause. That's what it's for. Talk about whether to change the shape of things, slow down, or go back to monogamy, which is a legitimate choice, not a defeat. Our guide to closing an open relationship covers how to do that kindly.

Finding a counsellor who understands non-monogamy

Outside help is most useful when you keep circling the same argument, and the right counsellor is one who is accredited and comfortable with consensual non-monogamy. In the UK, Relate offers relationship counselling and says you can come with a partner or partners, and the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) has a find-a-therapist search. In Ireland, the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP) lists accredited therapists by location and concern.

Ask at the first session how they approach non-monogamy. A good one will be curious about what you both want, not assume that wanting more than one relationship is the problem.

If at any point either of you feels pressured, controlled or unsafe, that's no longer a disagreement about an arrangement. Our safety page lists who to contact in Ireland and the UK.