Meeting someone new safely: advice for women

Before you go: a checklist

The safest first meetings are planned so you can leave whenever you want. Run through this before you agree a time:

• Have a video call. Five minutes is enough to check that the person matches their photos and that you actually want to meet. Someone who always has a reason not to, or who keeps cancelling, fits a pattern the Gardaí describe in romance fraud.
• Check that the story hangs together. If they've told you a first name and roughly what they do, see whether the details are consistent. You're checking consistency, not investigating them.
• Ask about their situation. If they say they're in an open relationship, it's fair to ask how their partner feels about it before you meet. A vague or shifting answer is information.
• Tell a friend. Who you're meeting, where, what time, and when you'll text to say you're fine. Agree what your friend should do if you don't.
• Keep your address and workplace to yourself. Don't share them until you've met more than once and want to.
• Charge your phone, and make sure you have money or a card for a taxi home.

A message to send your friend

As an example, something like this covers what a friend needs:

"Meeting 'Sam' from the dating site at [venue] on [street], 7pm Thursday. Photo attached. I'll text you by 9.30. If you don't hear from me by 10, ring me, and if I don't answer, ring the venue."

Where should you meet?

Meet somewhere busy, public and familiar to you, at a time you can easily leave. A café, a hotel lobby bar, a gallery or a pub where tables are in view all work well. Daytime or early evening is easiest to end.

If discretion matters to you, choose somewhere you're unlikely to bump into people you know, but don't trade safety for privacy. A quiet, out-of-the-way place is harder to leave and harder to get help in.

Getting there and home

Make your own way there and back. Don't accept a lift on a first date, don't get in their car, and don't let them walk you to your door. If you're getting a taxi, book it yourself, and share the trip with your friend if your app allows.

During the date

Keep it short, stay in public, and stay in control of how much you drink.

• Keep it short. A coffee or one drink is plenty. You can always arrange a second date.
• Watch your drink. See it being poured, don't leave it unattended, and don't drink more than you want because they are. If you suddenly feel much drunker than you should, tell staff immediately.
• Trust your discomfort. You don't need a reason to leave, and you don't need to be polite about it.
• Stay in public. Don't move on somewhere private on a first meeting, however well it's going.

If you need help in the venue

Staff are there to help. Many UK venues take part in Ask for Angela, a scheme where asking staff for "Angela" tells them, discreetly, that you need support: help leaving, staying with you, or calling security. If a venue doesn't display it, just go to the bar and say you need help.

Red flags worth leaving over

Any one of these is enough reason to end the date:

• They don't look like their photos, or their story has changed.
• They push for your address, your workplace or your surname.
• They pressure you to drink more, go somewhere private, or "just come back for one".
• They ignore a no, however small.
• They get angry or sulky when you mention leaving.
• They bring up money, an investment or a sad story that ends in a request.
• They hint that they could tell someone in your life about you.

Say "I'm going to head off," pay for your own drink if you need to, and go. If you feel unsafe leaving, ask staff for help or call the police.

If something goes wrong

In an emergency, call 999 in the UK, or 999 or 112 in Ireland. If you've been sexually assaulted, you can get medical care and support without having to decide straight away whether to report it to the police.

Our safety page covers reporting fraud and threats in both countries, and discreet dating in Ireland has the full list of Irish contacts.

Meeting as part of an open relationship

If you or your date has a partner, the same safety rules apply, plus a little honesty up front. Before you meet, make sure your date knows your situation and you know theirs. If your partner expects to know where you are, agree beforehand what you'll share and when you'll be home, and stick to it.

Agree your own limits for a first meeting before you go, rather than in the moment. If things move towards sex on a later date, talk about condoms and testing first; our guide to sexual health with more than one partner explains how. Ethical non-monogamy explained covers how to talk about arrangements with someone new.

Afterwards

Text your friend when you're home. If you want to see them again, take it at your pace. If you don't, a short, kind message is enough, for example: "Thanks for meeting me. I didn't feel the spark, so I'll leave it there. Good luck." You can stop replying to anyone who doesn't accept it, and report them through the members help centre.

If someone reacts to a no with threats, especially about images or telling your partner, don't pay or bargain: read the scams and sextortion guide and report it.

For keeping your details safe before you ever meet, see the privacy checklist for women.