In short
Closing an open relationship means agreeing to go back to monogamy. This Olivia Raven guide treats it as a legitimate choice, not a failure: raise it calmly with your reasons, agree a timeframe, end outside connections honestly and kindly, both get tested, and give yourselves time to rebuild. Agree, too, how either of you would raise reopening in future.
| Start with | Your reasons, not blame |
|---|---|
| Agree | When, and how outside connections end |
| Then | Testing, time and attention for each other |
| Also | Cancel memberships and delete profiles |
| Finally | Agree how you'd raise reopening |
Some couples open up and find it suits them. Others try it and realise they prefer what they had, or that life has changed: a new baby, an illness, a move, a crisis of confidence, or simply less appetite for the logistics. Going back to monogamy is a valid choice. Here's how to do it without leaving a mess.
Why do people close an open relationship?
People close an open relationship when it stops working for one or both of them, or when life changes. The reasons people give include:
- one partner is unhappy and it hasn't eased with changes
- jealousy or insecurity has become constant rather than occasional
- one of you has developed strong feelings for someone else and it feels risky
- the time and energy it takes has squeezed out the relationship itself
- a health scare, a pregnancy or a family crisis has changed priorities
- you simply got what you wanted from it and feel ready to stop
None of these is shameful. Being clear about which one applies helps you have a better conversation.
Close, pause or change?
Before you decide, check that closing is what you want rather than a change to the arrangement:
| Option | What it means | Suits you if |
|---|---|---|
| Change the agreement | Same arrangement, different limits (fewer dates, no overnights, less detail) | One thing is the problem, not the whole idea |
| Pause | No new dates for an agreed time, then review | You're both unsure, or life is too busy right now |
| Close | Back to monogamy, outside connections end | You know you want just the two of you |
If jealousy is driving it, the guide to jealousy in open relationships may help you work out which of these fits.
How to raise it
Raise it at a calm moment, lead with your own feelings rather than blame, and give your partner time to respond. If you agreed a pause option when you opened up, as the guide to starting the conversation suggests, this is what it was for.
As an example, an opening could sound like:
"I've realised I want us to go back to just us. It's not about anything you've done; it's that I feel stretched and I miss having all of you. Can we talk about what that would look like?"
Your partner may feel relieved, disappointed, defensive or sad, especially if they've been enjoying it or have feelings for someone. Don't push for an answer that night. It's fair to agree a short transition rather than ending everything at once, as long as you agree what "short" means, such as two weeks.
If you disagree
If one of you wants to close and the other doesn't, you're facing a real difference in what you need. Neither of you can be kept in an arrangement you no longer agree to, but nor should the decision be made in anger. Consider a pause while you talk.
A counsellor who works with non-monogamous couples can help, and won't treat either position as the "right" one. In Ireland, the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a find-a-therapist directory; in the UK, Relate offers couples counselling. Ask about their experience with open relationships before you book.
Ending things with other people
The people you've been seeing are owed an honest, clear ending: tell them directly, kindly and soon. You don't need to explain every reason. As an example:
"We've decided to go back to being monogamous, so I need to stop seeing you. I've really enjoyed our time and I wish you well."
Don't let it fade out, and don't keep a connection quietly "just in case". That would break the new agreement before it has started. If you think seeing someone in person would make it harder, a message is fine.
Your dating profile
Close the account properly rather than leaving it idle:
- Cancel any membership in Settings > Billing so no further payments are taken.
- On Olivia Raven, delete your profile at avatar > Settings > Delete Account. Account help walks through it.
- Close any separate email address or phone number you set up just for dating, once you've had any final confirmations.
Because profiles here are shared with partner sites in the same network, deleting is cleaner than leaving a profile visible.
If someone reacts badly
If someone threatens to contact your partner, or to share messages or intimate images, don't pay or bargain. Save the evidence, stop replying and report it. In Ireland, sharing or threatening to share intimate images without consent is an offence under Coco's Law; report it to the Gardaí and Hotline.ie. In the UK, the Revenge Porn Helpline can help with removal. The romance scams and sextortion guide explains the steps.
Health and practicalities
Both of you getting tested after the last outside contact is a sensible step, whatever precautions you used. Some infections don't show up straight away, so a clinic may suggest testing again after a few weeks.
- In Ireland, order free HSE home STI tests if you're 17 or over and live in the Republic, or visit a public sexual health clinic.
- In the UK, NHS sexual health services offer free testing and treatment.
Our guide to sexual health with more than one partner explains what to ask a clinic and how to share results.
Rebuilding between you
Expect a period of adjustment, and give it deliberate time and attention. The partner who was dating more may feel a loss, and that's allowed, without it being a threat to the relationship. The other may need time to trust that the arrangement is really closed.
Things that tend to help:
- dates, touch and conversations that aren't about the arrangement
- a check-in after a month, the same way you would have when you opened up
- naming what you miss, without acting on it
- patience with reassurance-seeking for a while
Talk about what you learned. If opening up taught you to talk more honestly about desire, that skill is worth keeping. Our guide to talking about fantasies can help keep it going.
Leaving the door open, or closed
Agree how either of you would raise the idea again if it comes up in future, or agree that it's closed for good. Either is fine; what matters is not leaving it ambiguous, so nobody is left wondering whether a passing comment was a request. If you ever do revisit it, ethical non-monogamy explained is a useful place to restart the conversation.
Questions people ask
Is closing an open relationship a sign it failed?
No. You tried something, learned what works for you, and chose again. That's what pauses and check-ins are for. Many couples come out of it talking more honestly about desire than before, which is worth keeping whatever shape the relationship takes from here.
What if only one of us wants to close it?
Take it seriously. One partner can't be kept in an arrangement they no longer agree to, but nor should the decision be made in anger. Consider a pause while you talk, and think about a counsellor who works with non-monogamous couples and won't treat either position as the 'right' one.
How should we end things with other partners?
Honestly, kindly and promptly, in a message or conversation that doesn't leave them guessing. They don't need every reason, just a clear ending. Don't let it fade out, and don't keep a connection quietly 'just in case', because that breaks the new agreement before it starts.
How long does it take to feel normal again?
There's no set timescale. Expect a period of adjustment while the partner who was dating grieves what they've given up and the other learns to trust that the arrangement is really closed. Agree to check in after a month, as you would have when you opened up, and be honest about how it's going.
Should we both get tested after closing?
It's a sensible step for both of you, whatever precautions you used, timed after the last outside contact. In Ireland, the HSE offers free home STI tests to people aged 17 and over living in the Republic; in the UK, NHS sexual health clinics offer free testing.
Keep reading
- Discreet dating in Ireland: privacy, prices and where to get helpPrivacy in a small country, prices and currency, and the Irish contacts for scams, image abuse and sexual health.
- Meeting someone new safely: advice for womenChecks before you go, choosing the place, getting home, red flags, and who to call in Ireland and the UK.
- Is Olivia Raven legit? Who runs it and what you payWho owns Olivia Raven, what you pay, what shows on your statement, what's checked, and how to cancel.
- Jealousy in open relationships, and what helpsWhat jealousy is usually telling you, what to do in the moment, and how to adjust your agreement.
Sources
- Free home STI tests — HSE
- Sexual health services and clinics — HSE
- Sexual health services — NHS
- Find a therapist — Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
- Relate — relationship counselling (charity no. 264713)
- Sexual crime (Coco's Law, image-based abuse) — An Garda Síochána
- Revenge Porn Helpline
Checked 18 October 2026. Spotted something out of date? Tell us.